When I was first told not to pray for things that would benefit me, I thought, “No problem.”
I had never prayed for myself.
When I get was a kid, scrubbed and reverent, I always prayed for others.
When I had no faith, no God, I prayed for others.
I never bargained, “If you get me out of this, I’ll…”
A selfish petition was a sign of weakness as far as I was concerned.
Besides, I didn’t want nor did I deserve a goddamn thing.
I was a drunk.
Then, I dried out. I sobered up.
Then, slowly, I began to recover and stumble my way through 38 years of a drug free life.
Good things came my way. Things not on my prayer list.
Good people called me friend. But I didn’t pray that they like me.
Good women loved me. But I didn’t pray they’d hold me.
I had a 27 year career helping others. But it wasn’t the answer to my prayers.
Years 25, 26 and 27 of that job were awful. But I never prayed to find a way out.
However, every day of those 27 years, I prayed for others and asked the God I understand to be God to allow me to be of maximum service to others. To help those who are still sick.
So, I guess, in a way, I prayed I’d receive something…patience, understanding and tolerance.
I was told I could pray for myself if others would be helped.
And that’s what I did for 38 years, help others, and, in the process, a whole world opened up to me.
A wonderful world growing more wondrous each hour, each day.
A wonderful world that started spinning so fast it made my heart sick.
I don’t know why.
I think I have some regrets.
I think I’ve made some mistakes.
The biggest being I’ve neglected my self in some way. At least, that’s what I think.
I asked some one today, “What do you think?”
And they said, “If you pray about it, you’ll feel better.”