July 28

REFLECTIONS OF A SOBER CHICKEN THIEF- published by Nothing Changes Press

”  “-

Thought For The Day: I’ve got no time for quotes today. No time. I was called to speak today. Not called by God…by another person at the meeting. The topic was the Fourth Step. I don’t remember what I said but I don’t think it had much to do with the Fourth Step.

Reflection For The Day: At least three people walked out of the room during my share. Sons of bitches.

Prayer: Please keep their asses in their chairs till I’m done. Just coz I don’t know what I’m talkin bout doesn’t mean it isn’t divinely inspired.

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But Isn’t That Beside The Point?

When I was first told not to pray for things that would benefit me, I thought, “No problem.”

I had never prayed for myself.

When I get was a kid, scrubbed and reverent, I always prayed for others.

When I had no faith, no God, I prayed for others.

I never bargained, “If you get me out of this, I’ll…”

A selfish petition was a sign of weakness as far as I was concerned.

Besides, I didn’t want nor did I deserve a goddamn thing.

I was a drunk.

Then, I dried out. I sobered up.

Then, slowly, I began to recover and stumble my way through 38 years of a drug free life.

Good things came my way. Things not on my prayer list.

Good people called me friend. But I didn’t pray that they like me.

Good women loved me. But I didn’t pray they’d hold me.

I had a 27 year career helping others. But it wasn’t the answer to my prayers.

Years 25, 26 and 27 of that job were awful. But I never prayed to find a way out.

However, every day of those 27 years, I prayed for others and asked the God I understand to be God to allow me to be of maximum service to others. To help those who are still sick.

So, I guess, in a way, I prayed I’d receive something…patience, understanding and tolerance.

I was told I could pray for myself if others would be helped.

And that’s what I did for 38 years, help others, and, in the process, a whole world opened up to me.

A wonderful world growing more wondrous each hour, each day.

A wonderful world that started spinning so fast it made my heart sick.

I don’t know why.

I think I have some regrets.

I think I’ve made some mistakes.

The biggest being I’ve neglected my self in some way. At least, that’s what I think.

I asked some one today, “What do you think?”

And they said, “If you pray about it, you’ll feel better.”

Early Morning Meditation 

I’ve always been able to “empty” my mind.

It started when I was a kid. The Old Man would stumble in around 3am and Mom would be in the front room waiting for him. Waiting so she could tell him he was  a “drunken son of a bitch.” 

And he was. 

And he knew he was…but he didn’t like hearing it. 

And, why she always picked the pre-dawn hours to tell him the very thing he didn’t want to hear, I have yet to figure out. 

And, why she’d always act surprised when The Old Man would shout, cuss, scream, and throw furniture across the room, was also beyond me.

When, I was eight or nine, I’d get out of bed and try to stop my parents from hurting, sometimes, perhaps, from killing each other. By the time I was ten, I had given up on them. Yeah, by then, I’d just stay in bed, close my eyes and turn “it” off. 

The noise.

And it worked.

Years later, some one told me I was a “natural at empty mind” technique.

He called it meditation.

I called it survival.

What I Think And What I Say

Surrender. 

Selfishness. 

Self-centered. 

All those “S” words 

assaulting my ears 

this morning. 

Then 

there are 

those damn 

“Dees.” 

Denial. 

Destroyed. 

Diseased.

Hot 

Yellow 

Highlighter

Horseshit

Hold 

On 

Why 

Am 

I

Talking

This

Way

About

Myself

Today

     ?

What Am I Missing Here?

I’m not sure where to begin. 

He’s saying, “I’ve had a long standing argument with God.”

“Okay,” I say.

“What’s the big deal?”

He says, “What’s the big deal? What’s the big deal? My life’s supposed to be a sacred journey.”

“Who says?”

“Heard it in a meeting. Don’t remember who said it. But I liked it. Thought it was good shit for me to hear.”

“So what’s God say about your journey?”

“Wha…? I’m not crazy, man. God doesn’t talk to me.”

Feel Free To Return The Favor

I can’t really say I remember the topic of this morning’s meeting. I was too busy working on a poem for some blog school. I just signed on so I could get back to writing poetry every day. And it’s been good though this “pasting” business from the smart phone has been a challenge coz I’ve had to learn as I go….to work, to pick up Joey from school, to my regular gig, to my pick up gigs, to Grocery, drug and department stores….yes, learn as I go and the only time I sit for an hour and write is in the morning, at the meeting.

Oh, yeah, it was on character defects and character assassination. I said, “I possess the former over flowing and I engage in the later more than I like to admit though it will be obvious to anyone wanting to stick around and eavesdrop on me after the meeting. I’m the sign you see displayed on vacant construction sites asking you to “Pardon Our Progress.”

Thanking ____ And ____ For My __________ Today

No reason to feel so happy.

I woke clear headed and free of depression.

I didn’t ask why but I said, “Thank you.”

The topic at the meeting was “choose your own conception of God.”

And, when it came to me, I said, “I
go to AA when I want to
complain about religion. I
go to church when
I want to complain
about AA.
And I
become
an atheist when
my complaint
is with both
communities.

Besides,
being an
atheist is an
indication,
to some,
of an advanced
intellect.

In other words,
I just might
be too
smart
to get
sober.

I haven’t had
a drink or any other
type of drug in over 37
years but, as long as I’m still
takin’ breath…well, that’s
why I keep comin’
back. Thank
you.”